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A Man of My Own Creation

by Scott Daddy
Wednesday Jul 4, 2007

Earlier this year I was blown away by some of the images that a photographer friend captured of me and my boy. What I loved about these pictures by Oramas Photography (www.oramasphotography.com) was how they captured the spirit of my relationship and the dynamics of my play. Whether the images included skin or play props, they looked artful, revealing the beauty within the darkness and mystery of leather play.

That shoot was actually a lot of fun. In my playroom, I feel complete control. This is my domain, and I have no lack of confidence in my ability to take a boy on a fantastic mind-body journey (or simple sling ride). It was cool having an audience to play to; someone to see my mastery. I have no doubts that I'm a good Daddy- I listen, I learn, I lead. That I have a pretty well equipped space and am fairly well equipped myself are bonuses.

But I tend to be a shy guy outside of my circle of friends and I suffer a prudishness that even the bad influence of alcohol can't diminish. Although I imbibed a couple shots of rum prior to the portraits, I must confess that I was wishing for something stronger-perhaps a narcotics cocktail?-to get through the individual portraits session.

Angel Oramas, the photographer, could not have been nicer or more supportive. But sometimes being looked at is unsettling to me, and I feel like the 300-pound teen all over again. My inner "fat boy" returns and assumes judgment. I become more self aware and body conscious. I suck in my gut, despite myself, and silently berate myself for not taking better care of my body.

When Angel asked me what kind of images I was looking for, I pulled out the photography book Testosterone, by Joe Oppedisano. His images are beautiful and masculine and sexy and dangerous. There's nothing terribly "pretty" about most of the men, although they are all incredibly hot and sexy in a mostly rough-trade kind of way. There is such an incredible energy, cockiness and attitude in his models that when I find myself looking through the book, I just stop and stare and wish that one day, that could be me.

Well, we tried Testosterone-type shots, and it just wasn't me. I felt like a poseur, a fake.

It should be no surprise that I loved the pictures taken with my boy, where I was in my comfort zone and in my Daddy role... but out on my own, I felt lost and uncertain, and that showed too.

That's when I realized that I was responding not only to the images of the Oppedisano men, but I was responding to their confidence and arrogance (both tops and bottoms). These are men who know what they want-and, we might assume, no matter what the context is, they're not afraid to go for it. Yes, I wanted to look like an Oppedisano man, but more importantly, I wanted to feel like one.

Shortly after seeing proofs from my photo shoot (and noticing my clothes getting a bit tighter), I stepped on a scale at the gym and discovered that the inner fat boy was making some progress in escaping. It was time for action. On April 24, I was 45 pounds over my ideal weight and started my latest diet.

Not one to pass up a good party (or beautiful eye candy), my boy and I hit the Folsom Street East block party in New York last month, as a culmination of their leather pride week. No matter where you turned, it was impossible not to see lean, muscled, inked men. Oppedisano men. I tried to take them all in, while I probably unconsciously sucked in my gut.

Then I met the man himself, at a table promoting his work: Joe Oppedisano. And as fate would have it, he's every bit as beautiful as his models. Very tanned, hairy, muscled, inked, and wearing a leather jock. He shook my hand graciously and greeted me with a deep growl of a voice, and I stammered like a fool. Before I could make a bigger ass of myself, I scurried off and let the jock boys and tattooed tough guys crowd his table.

And yet, I was strangely proud of myself. I did introduce myself. And I did show up to the event in gear, knowing there would be hundreds of NYC hotties in better shape. I knew I would need to just keep challenging myself, trying to put myself out there. Eventually I would earn that confidence that I want. And it was something worth working for.

Although not one for the spotlight and being watched, I'm busy preparing a kinky act for The Woods campground's stage show as we approach the July 4 holiday weekend. When the spotlight hits me, I'll be wearing new gear to celebrate my weight loss. The love handles are gone, and my waist size has gone down by two sizes. Although I have not yet met my target weight, I know that I'm succeeding and that I'll get there.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

And I'm on my way to becoming an Oppedisano man... of my own creation.

You can reach ScottDaddy at [email protected] with any comments or feedback.


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