Move Over, Goop: Kourtney Kardashian's Poosh Gift Guide is a Trip

A couple weeks ago, we shared our thoughts on the most absurd items from Gwyneth Paltrow's infamous Goop Gift Guide. While very little else rivals Goop in terms of sheer absurdity, Kourtney Kardashian comes close with Poosh, her Goop-adjacent website that she founded in 2019.

We had so much fun skewering Goops asinine gift guide that it's time to do the same for Poosh.

Teckell 90 Degrees Minuto Glass & Stainless-Steel Foosball Table, $15,000

Have you ever looked at one of your kid's toys and thought "Geez, I sure wish this came in a museum-quality version that no one will want to play?" If so, Poosh has discovered the perfect gift for you! Handcrafted and infused with unparalleled elegance, this Italian-made gaming table is the best possible way to drop $15K this holiday season.

Edie Parker Checkers in Burnt Agate Marble, $1,895

If a $15,000 game is too rich for your blood, you'll want to consider this $2,000 checkers game instead. Are you tired of your guests coming over and asking for a game of checkers you don't have? Or maybe you're embarrassed by your poor person black-and-red classic checkers game? There's finally a solution for that problem with this sensible hand-poured acrylic and burnt agate marble statement piece.

Saint Laurent Leopard Polaroid SX70, $1,230

The cutting edge of photography even now, 40 years after it was created, this leopard-clad relic is a sensible way to drop a couple thousand dollars this holiday season. What's more, film refills will run you $20 for eight photos, so this luxe device is bound to do little more than collect dust. What's more Christmasy than that?

Normatec 3 Legs, $799

Used by elite athletes around the world, this recovery device is of absolutely zero use to the average human being. But don't let that stop you! This patented precision pulse technology increases circulation, revives muscles, and reduces swelling, which makes it the perfect gift for the professional athlete in your life.

Mayu Swirl Water Enhancing Pitcher, $179

How many times over the last year have you had a discussion with someone about your desire to harness the spiral motion found throughout the universe in a pitcher form? Thanks to Mayu, that dream is now a reality. This swirling pitcher reoxygenates, rebalances, restructures, and rejuvenates water for a "superior hydrating experience." According to Mayu, when water goes through regular poor people pipes, it loses the abundant atmospheric energy your body needs, which is why this pitcher has the ability to change your life. Personally, we're getting one for every person on our list this year.

Lettuce Grow Farmstand, $400-$700

Hand chosen by Kris Jenner, this sustainable home farmstand allows your family and friends to grow their own food all year long. Not only is it practical and beautiful in any space, but your family is certain to chew through $700 of lettuce in no time!

Lomi Kitchen Composter, $499

Chosen by Khloe Kardashian, this countertop composter is "super sleek," according to Khloe. Well, actually, it looks like a countertop dumpster, which is sure to up the ante on everyone's kitchen decor. Khloe LOVES the way that this composter helps to combat greenhouse gas emissions, which absolutely neutralizes all the CO2 emissions from the Kardashian-Jenner clan's seven private jets.

Muse 2: The Brain Sensing Headband, $250

Have you ever wondered what your brain and body activity sounds like? Just yesterday, we were having this exact conversation with friends and family. This chic device translates that activity into – wait for it – weather sounds, which can "guide you toward focused calm." It also connects to an app so you can receive real-time feedback on your brain activity!

Pixxie Pocket Projector Portable Mini Cinema, $519

Are you sick of watching TV on regular old TV screens or tablets that offer the latest in HD and 4K technology? Us too! That's why we love this $500 battery operated projector that boasts a whopping 2-3 hour battery life. You won't be able to watch much, but who cares, right?

WTHN Silver Ear Seed Kit, $45

Chosen by Kendall Jenner herself, this $45 ear seed kit is the next best thing to taking $50 and throwing it into your fireplace. What are ear seeds, though? Well, they're basically little adhesive earrings that you place on different parts of the ear to help with things like stress, pain, and digestion. Clinically not proven and absolutely not endorsed by doctors, we love this as a stocking stuffer!