The Newbie's Guide to Boston Pride

Fresh out of the closet? New in town? Closeted Republican congressman looking to get your gay on far from the prying peepers of the buttoned-down Beltway? However you get to Boston Pride, it's all good. But Boston is a provincial place and by extension, its LGBT community can be tough to crack sometimes, too. So, in the interest of helping you not make a complete ass of yourself while you join the city's Pride festivities, check out our handy-dandy guide to some of the weekend's most popular events.

The Dyke March
June 12, 6 p.m.
Parkman Bandstand, Boston Common

What to expect: A multi-cultural, multi-gendered mix of folks longing to celebrate Pride in a socially conscious, non-commercial, all inclusive style; liberal use of the word pussy - from the performers, speakers and organizers, on handmade signs, stickers and t-shirts; a noisy band of determined marchers, even in a downpour - these dykes aren't pussies, that's for sure.

What not to expect: Bare breasts. Okay, the dykes are a little pussy-ish when it comes to getting arrested.

Do chat up anyone and everyone who catches your eye. If you're looking to hook up this weekend, the Dyke March offers one of your best chances. Get a date for the Dyke March after-party!

Don't doubt that someone will be toting a sign that says, "I like pussy!" Maybe it will be you.

Survival supplies: Rain gear, sharpies, stuff that makes noise

The Pride interfaith service
June 13, 10 a.m.
Old South Church, at the corner of Boylston Street. and Dartmouth Street

What to expect: A quiet, contemplative and spiritual way to ease into the day's festivities. Before you subject yourself to the aural assault of flatbed trucks blasting club music and the roar of the motorcycle engines during the parade, spend the morning hearing empowering sermons and the music of the Voices Rising chorus.

What not to expect: Feeling alone in the crowd. The service is designed so that people of all faiths will feel welcome (well, maybe not Fred Phelps).

Do consider setting the alarm to get up early and check out the service, particularly if you've never gone before.

Don't wear the ass-less chaps. Show a little respect for this sacred space and wear the ass-inclusive chaps.

Survival supplies: Hand sanitizer. There's likely to be a lot of joining hands and showing of fellowship, but who wants to get swine flu?

The parade
June 13, noon
Intersection of Tremont and Clarendon Streets

What to expect: An eclectic and very Boston mix of go-go boys on floats Unitarian Universalist congregations, leather men, politicians, lesbians on motorcycles, political candidates, drag queens, school groups, corporate floats and more politicians (it's a municipal election year). Without fail expect the Boston Primetimers - a group of gay male seniors and their admirers - to wipe the floor with the competition when it comes to costumes and float d?cor.

What not to expect: Anything approaching controversy. We've been here and queer long enough that Boston's definitely used to it.

Do get there early to stake out a good spot. The corner of Tremont and Berkeley Streets in the South End, toward the start of the parade, is a prime viewing location. Watching the drag queens hobble up Beacon Hill and past the State House toward the end of the parade route is fun, too.

Don't revel too openly in the sight of a drag queen dragging herself up Beacon Street, lest you find yourself with a size 16 stiletto lodged in your left eye.

Survival supplies: Sunscreen, water, camera, patience.

The festival
June 13, noon
Boston City Hall Plaza

What to expect: Lots and lots of bricks; an outdoor festival with music, fried food, booze, booths from commercial vendors and LGBT non-profit organizations, lots of air kisses.

What not to expect: A surprise performance by Madonna! What do you think this is, New York? But trust us, oh jaded ones, Taylor Dayne is going to be awesome. We'll be at the foot of the stage singing along to "Tell It To My Heart."

Do wander around to the booths to pick up lots of free goodies (maybe of the human variety). Check out the beer garden if you're over 21, but just remember, pretty much every LGBT person in the greater Boston area will be there. If you make an ass of yourself, you might have to move out of state, or join the ex-gay crowd.

Don't be surprised if the crowd starts thinning out by mid-afternoon, since many people clear out early for the block parties. Sometimes the festival headliner will play to a smaller audience than the opening acts.

Survival supplies: A bag for all the swag; cash (vendors are there selling food, but expect to pay typically high festival food prices); ID (if you want to get into the beer garden); sunscreen; water.

Esme Women's Block Party
June 13, 2 p.m. - 7 p.m.
One Boylston Place (The Alley)

What to expect: A brick-lain alley by Boston Common crammed to the walls with women, partying and texting throughout the Pride afternoon. The kind of corral you may never want to leave - at least not until those beer tubs are empty and the fights break out.

What not to expect: that your recent ex is still single and will try to hook up with you at the block party. But there will be plenty of other exes - oops, we mean fish, - in the sea of block party girls.

Do forget about dancing. This place gets so jam-packed there will barely be room to lip-sync. Better go pee-pee before you get there, too.

Don't inadvertently use the phrase, "Excuse me, sir," when trying to skirt through the crowd. If your face is going to be red, let it be from the sun.

Survival supplies: Comfortable shoes (we know you have tons); your "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Hillary" pin to attract the Women's Studies hotties.

Jamaica Plain Block Party
June 14, 12 p.m. - 7 p.m.
Perkins St. between South Huntington Ave. and Centre St.

What to expect: DJ Kristin Korpos and DJ Jodi spinning dance hits all afternoon, with plenty of room shake your thing. Who says Sunday is a day of rest? This is Pride, baby. Dust the cobwebs from your eyes and roll out of bed. Back to "werk"!

What not to expect: An early crowd. Between hangover brunch and uncomfortable morning-after conversations ("Where did we meet again?"), there's a higher rate of the fashionably late.

Do make a point to appreciate the diverse crowd. Out-of-towners should know that JP has long been a haven for queers of all kinds: bois, grrls, and trans people of every color, size and kind. They'll all be represented here, so prepare to speak all languages at this United Nations of Queers. (It's a universal one of Love... aww!)

Don't stop at JP Lick's on your way there. You've made it this far - the pre-Pride dieting is almost over!

Survival supplies: $10 cover (proceeds benefit Boston Pride); sunscreen; extra water (day two always requires more in the way of hydration).

Stuart Street Block Party
June 14, 12 p.m. - 8 p.m.
Corner of Stuart St. and Berkeley St.

What to expect: Boys, bears, beer, sweat. A threesome of dapper DJs: DJ Shpank, DJ Ranny, and headliner DJ Joe Gauthreaux. Now that's a m?nage a trois worth seeing!

What not to expect: Modesty and moderation. The Block Parties are one of the last remaining vestiges of bygone revelry, so drink up at the five bars; lick up the dancing eye candy dancers and for God's sake, take your shirt off! What is this, an HRC dinner?

Do look. A lot. You can touch, too, most likely.

Don't forget to call in gay... we mean, sick! ... to work on Monday. Unless you want your cubicle covered in glitter, place a preliminary think-I-have-swine-flu call to your boss's voicemail before you get too far gone.

Survival supplies: Prophylactics! $10 cover after 2 p.m. to benefit Boston Pride (no cover before 2 p.m.!); your hottest, most flattering underwear; prophylactics!